So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
