so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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