You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
