if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
