He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
