Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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