My sheets look like a crime scene.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
