When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
