i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
