They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
