PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
