im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
