That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
