I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
