My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
