My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
