Sry I called you an 8
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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