Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
