I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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