Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
