She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
