I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
