I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
