NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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