Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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