I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
