I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
