I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
