This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
