It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
