Pants 0. Shit 1.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Who did Billy Mays play for?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
