i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
