last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
