walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
