She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
