I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
