That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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