8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
