I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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