It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
