If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
