saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
