I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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