u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
