LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
