How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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