I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
