ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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