She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
