dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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