i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize