bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Boobs speak an international language.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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